


Everyday's an Uphill Climb (Nothing's Changed)

by fairytaleslayer



Series: Beau-Centric One Shots [7]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Beau is having an anxiety ridden silent breakdown, F/F, Family, The romance is a bit one-sided, Vampires, and a bit returned, and nobody else sees it, self-sabotage
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-07
Updated: 2020-03-07
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:34:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,419
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23052526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fairytaleslayer/pseuds/fairytaleslayer
Summary: Beau’s not going to make it another day feeling like this. Something’s going to give.
Relationships: Jester Lavorre/Beauregard Lionett
Series: Beau-Centric One Shots [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1312556
Comments: 14
Kudos: 186





	Everyday's an Uphill Climb (Nothing's Changed)

She knew Jester was watching her, but Beau kept up her morning exercises. A part of her wanted to see if Jester would stick around - push her boundaries and patience just a bit more after yesterday. 

Beau hadn’t  _ exactly _ meant to laugh when Jester revealed the name her mother had given her. In some ways she had, but it had really just slipped out. She had seen the confusion and slight hurt in her best friend’s eyes, but Beau had swallowed back the immediate apology so it could join the ever increasing weight in the pit of her stomach that foretold a time when she’d be alone again. 

It was a unique form of self-sabotage, one Beau hardly recognized. Ever since the hag, everyone had been acting differently. Especially around her. Or maybe she just thought they were acting weird with her, Beau honestly couldn’t tell anymore. 

She’d  _ heard  _ the Traveler. She’d seen him before anyone else in the Nein besides Jester. Maybe that meant he thought she could be won over to his side, thought that she would offer him her  _ attention _ , but Beau wasn’t interested in some accidental near-god entity. She’d heard him when he said he would take Jester with him if need be. And of course Jester would follow him in a heartbeat. She  _ loved  _ the Traveler more than anyone else besides maybe her mom. 

Jester would leave.

Nott -  _ Veth  _ \- would probably end up leaving once her guilt won out over her husband and son, and she had every right to that. Beau couldn’t begrudge her for wanting family close. Fjord would go with Caduceus and the rest of the Clay’s, or stay in the Menagerie to bring it back as a Stone if the Wildmother asked him to. Like a good paladin. Caleb and Yasha, who the fuck knew with those two. But no matter what, Beau would end up alone.

She should have just taken the deal with the hag. Then at least Jester wouldn’t have to look over her shoulder for the rest of her life in case Isharnai figured out what she had done and had the false memory removed and sought revenge. It would have been Beau’s choice to leave, now that she was finding she wasn’t strong enough to do it on her own when it served no immediate purpose.

“I know you know I’m here,” Jester murmured, leaning against a tree. “You can keep pretending though, if you want.”

Beau would pretend all she liked, thank you very much.

“But I’m here Beau,” Jester insisted. “We all are.” A pause. “And we just want the best things for you.”

Beau kept punching thin air, ignoring Jester’s prodding.The Tiefling’s impatience and excitability would win out eventually.

“No one is leaving, Beau.”

“What’ll it fucking take?!” Beau finally exploded, startling Jester. “What’ll it take, huh? Because I’ve tried just about everything I can. Just  _ leave  _ already!” Whirling around like the conversation was done, Beau went back to her exercises.

Strong hands shoved her outside the circle of trees, pushing her further from camp where they could have some privacy. Before she could recover, Beau was backed into a tree and cornered by a furious Jester. “None of us are leaving, Beau!” she shouted right back at her. “When will you believe that?”

Beau forcefully knocked Jester’s hands from her shoulders and ducked away. “Maybe when I feel like I’ve found a family I belong to,” she told her, voice snide. 

“You belong with  _ us _ . We love you,” Jester said.

“No you don’t. You guys like what I can  _ do  _ for you. You all love that you have a pretty mundane human to take the punches and the blades while you cast the fancy spells. Admit that’s all I ever was, Jes!” Beau yelled. “Just admit it!”

“That’s not true, Beau and you know it!”

“Why didn’t you just let me take the deal with Isharnai? Everything would have been wrapped up in a neat little bow for everyone, and I could just go on my way. Why’d you have to fuck that up for me? At least I could have done _ something _ worthwhile before I was on my own again.”

Jester shook her head, trying to understand where all of Beau’s sudden maliciousness was coming from. She could see the pain in Beau’s eyes, and her desperate attempts to cover it up with anger. “Why do you keep saying you’re going to end up alone?” she asked, trying to go for a calmer attitude, maybe keep Beau from getting any more riled up. “You aren’t. You won’t be - not ever. You’ve got us.”

Beau scoffed. “Do I? ‘Cause it seems to me like maybe I’m no better off than when I started. I  _ told  _ you guys I didn’t want to ever go back there and you -” Beau seemed to physically hold herself back from revealing more. “Just - forget it Jester. It’s not worth it.” She stalked off toward camp, leaving Jester behind.

* * *

After that disastrous afternoon, Beau retreated inside of herself, rarely offering an opinion or any words at all when she wasn’t directly spoken to. Fjord poked and prodded, Caleb coaxed, Jester pleaded, to no avail. Beau flat out refused to speak with Jester when it was just the two of them, distancing herself from her best friend. It was far worse than she’d ever acted even when they all first met, and everyone was left reeling by the change.

The only time Beau seemed anything like her old self was when they were fighting some creature or another, and even then she had become more reckless and prone to isolating herself one on one with more powerful creatures without waiting for backup. She even went as far as to refuse healing from anyone but Caduceus, and even him only rarely and away from everyone else. She still spoke with him sometimes, but no matter how he tried, Caduceus couldn’t think of a way to help the desperate and hurting monk even though he could clearly see her pain. He understood it, to an extent the others couldn’t. 

Beau was starving for positive attention, validation, affection - wasting away from the lack of it, really, but had no idea how to ask for something she’d never had. Caduceus wasn’t any better at asking for it, thus had no advice to offer, and Beau wasn’t interested in a kindred spirit.

Time and again, she’d been told her abrasiveness was off putting, that she would never amount to anything, that if she could just be  _ good _ , then perhaps her family would want her. Time and again, she’d pulled off feats of diplomacy she didn’t think herself capable of, only for the Nein to either not notice or - they couldn’t just ignore it could they? Beau was good at deflecting, she knew that. Perhaps too good. And then Nott or someone else would tell her not to speak because she’d just fuck it up, and the rest of the Nein just nodded along like that was inevitable. They’d made her go  _ back _ . She’d never spoken up in her own defense, and neither had anyone else.

There was nothing else she could do to prove herself, and at this point, why try?

* * *

Rosohna suddenly acquired a vampire problem the Nein were called in to help with, and that was where Beau finally broke. It wasn’t just one vampire. It was a coven eager to take advantage of the sunless city and use it as their own abode while displacing, killing, or enslaving the city’s population as suited them. 

The leader, Shyressa, toyed with the Nein, playing chase with her numerous spawn throughout the city streets while the Nein tried to evacuate the civilians. They were losing people - too many - so Beau took matters into her own hands.

Figuring Shyressa would be at the Bright Queen’s palace, Beau separated herself from the group without a word and made her way there quickly. Her entrance into the throne room was greeted with a faceful of dark flames that she ducked out of the way of, rolling on the floor and popping back up to her feet. 

The vampire was sitting on Leylas’ throne twirling black spits of flame between her fingers as she gazed down at Beau with an interested look upon her face. “You are not drow, or any of these monstrous races, and yet you fight for this city?” she mused. “Intriguing, pet.”

“I’m no one’s pet,” Beau growled, fists tightening on her bo. 

“But you wish to be.”

“No. I’m here to make a deal.”

Shyressa chuckled warmly, amused by the offer. “And what more could I possibly want, pet? I’ve won this lovely city for my children, and your pesky friends will soon be mine to play with as well. What can you offer me, Beauregard Lionett?”

Beau flinched at hearing her name. She’d read vampires could hear thoughts, but she’d hoped the myth was just that. “You already know.”

“Interesting, I will admit. Very self-sacrificing and noble of you, pet. Now why would - ah. I see. Long it’s been since I have heard such a willingness to inflict pain on one’s self from a human. It almost isn’t - how do you say? - worth it.”

Beau sucked in a breath as all her insecurities were played like a tune right in front of her. “What do you say, Shyressa? Me and the city, if you let its inhabitants and my friends go. You’ve killed enough for your spawn to feast for weeks, and you get to keep me.” 

Shyressa mulled it over. Her children could undoubtedly overwhelm the rest of those annoyances before too much longer, but to have one willingly was a great temptation in itself. It had been a while since she had someone to play with. “Very well. I shall tell my children to leave your family and the rest of this city be in exchange for you. Perhaps I am getting the lesser bargain, but you have depths I believe I shall enjoy delving, young Beauregard. Once you learn your place, that is. Come here.”

* * *

The horde of vampire spawn menacing the Nein abruptly pulled up their attack, all appearing to listen to some unheard instruction. As a single entity, they turned and headed back to the city’s center. All but one.

“The Mistress has accepted terms,” it hissed in their direction. “She allows you and all of the remaining inhabitants to leave under no duress for one hour. The deal is made.” With that, it crawled up to the roof of the nearby house and disappeared into the darkness with the rest of its siblings.

“What deal?” Fjord asked the question all of them were thinking. Leylas had made no mention of giving up the city to them.

“Guys. Where’s Beau?” Jester’s scared voice called attention at last to the absent member of their group.

* * *

Beau took a deep breath and slowly approached the dais Shyressa reclined on. “Good pet,” the vampire praised her as she ascended the stairs, almost sounding mocking. “Kneel.” Beau hesitated briefly before she obeyed that order as well, going to ground at Shyressa’s feet. “Tilt your head, pet.” A longer hesitation, and Shyressa’s eyes sharpened. “The bargain has not been sealed, Beauregard. I can still send my children racing back to your little family. Are you going to show me your neck, or will you make me ask you nicely?”

Defeated, Beau slowly tilted her head to the left, exposing her jugular to Shyressa’s gleaming fangs. She wanted to close her eyes but found herself unable to look away from the vampire’s enchanting gaze even as she trembled. 

“Good pet,” Shyressa murmured again. She licked her lips before she leaned into Beau, pressing her nose along the line of Beau’s neck. Beau shuddered in fear, making Shyressa chuckle. “This will hurt more if you try to escape, but I leave that up to you,” she warned before teeth suddenly pierced Beau’s skin.

Beau gasped, and hands scrabbling defensively were quick to be held in place by the vampire’s much stronger grip. Beau found herself unable to move after that, paralyzed by the bite - whether magically or just fear, she didn’t know. 

Eventually, as Beau’s strength left her and she began to sag, Shyressa let up her feeding. Blood still trickled sluggishly down Beau’s shoulder and chest, but the monk couldn’t find the strength or willpower to clamp a hand over the wound as she panted for breath. Shyressa still restrained her anyway. 

“Yes I think I’ll keep you,” Shyressa decided. “It’s been some time since I’ve had such vibrant blood. That will fade, but I shall enjoy it while you have it.” 

“You aren’t just gonna kill me?” Beau grunted, trying to clear her head.

Shyressa laughed softly. “Where would be the fun in that? You knew your intentions when you offered yourself, Beauregard, don’t try to hide from me. I read them all in your mind. So afraid, for such a brave warrior. That will go away once I truly make you mine, pet.”

“I don’t want - to be like you.”

“You lost that choice when you gave yourself to me. But don’t fret. I won’t kill you right away. You will be so much more useful alive for a time, and then I will give you the privilege of joining me. You are worth more to me as one of my own kind than as just a spawn, and that’s all you’ve ever wanted - isn’t it, Beauregard? To be worth something?”

Beau bit her lip, gaze dropping to the floor she still knelt on. She was doing this for them, she reminded herself. Giving the Nein time to regroup and bring the fight back to the vampires when they were better prepared. Beau might be against them by the time they made it back, but they would be okay. They had to be okay.

“It’s quite touching, I must say. How much you care for those mortals,” Shyressa mocked. “They haven’t shown near the same amount of concern for you - I can see it all in your head, Beauregard. Ah - especially the blue one. She truly has no idea how much you love her? Perhaps I shall keep her too. Would you like that?”

“No!” the denial burst from her lips before Beau could stop it. “That - that wasn’t part of the deal.”

“Deals can change, pet. Don’t you want your - what was her name - Jester. Wouldn’t you want Jester with you forever? Look at me Beauregard.” Beau’s eyes drifted back up to meet Shyressa’s. “Good girl. Answer the question please.”

“Not like this,” Beau whispered. “I’ll do whatever you want, be who you want, but  _ please _ leave her and the rest of them out of this.”

“You’ve spent your entire life forcing yourself to fit the mold of what others want, little Beauregard. I can see it all - you can’t stop thinking about it. Your father - he’s a right bastard - reminds me of my own centuries ago. The monastery. The Mighty Nein. You change yourself to be what you think everyone else wants and needs. You returned to the one place you never wanted to be again, because they needed it. They asked it of you and really - what’s a bit more pain? But I think it is high past time for a little freedom, don’t you?” Shyressa coaxed in a charming tone Beau might have been able to resist if she hadn’t already sworn herself to the vampire and been fed from. “What do you want pet?”

“Whatever you want,” Beau sighed, feeling tranquil for the first time in months. Instincts honed at the Cobalt Soul screamed at her to break away, but she didn’t want to. She was just so  _ tired _ . Tired of hurting. Tired of failing.

The corners of Shyressa’s lips curled into a smirk. “Good girl Beauregard.” She smoothed a hand through Beau’s undercut, and the monk obligingly moved her head to expose her neck once more. “I think we should seal the terms of this new arrangement, don’t you?”

“Yes.”

The fangs descended, piercing the skin on the opposite side as Shyressa drank deeply. Beau’s eyes started to close as consciousness left her, barely aware when Shyressa finally pulled back. “You won’t join me just yet, Beauregard,” she whispered in her ear. Beau twitched. “You taste far too good to let go of. But I think we’ll both enjoy bringing you close, won’t we?” A pause, then a warm laugh as Shyressa got the answer she wanted from Beau’s nearly unconscious thoughts. 

* * *

“She was right behind me,” Yasha said, eyes casting about for any sign of the blue of Beau’s vestiges. 

Nott took a gulp from her flask. “She’s probably just off fucking with something. You know how she is.”

“Will you just -  _ stop _ ?!” Jester rounded on Nott. “Beau  _ doesn’t  _ fuck everything up - she doesn’t fuck  _ anything  _ up. She’s the - the biggest reason any of us are still alive and I need you to just leaveheralone!” She stomped over to Fjord. “What do we do?” she whimpered.

The paladin heaved a sigh. “We know where she is,” he said, looking in the direction of the palace. “I’m willing to bet we know what she did too. Damn it - I thought we got through to her!”

Jester shook her head. “We never did. She didn’t believe us. She yelled at me a while ago, saying I should have let her take the deal and that she was still waiting for people who would just accept her.” Tears ran down her cheeks and she sniffed, wiping them away impatiently. “Beau never yelled at me before. She was hurting so bad Fjord, and none of us helped.” A thought that had been rankling her for weeks since Beau’s outburst finally worked itself out. “Oh fuck,” she gasped. “We went to Kamordah.”

“We just made it worse didn’t we?” Fjord asked rhetorically. “Caduceus?” he called, gesturing the firbolg over. “Did Beau say anything to you? You’re the only one she’s been talking to.”

“Hmmm. Nothing of significance. I told her she reminded me of myself - always waiting. For family...other things.” He shrugged, not mentioning that he’d spoken with Beau about how he shared her desperate need for validation that she’d done something well, that she’d made the right choices, and the way it felt like the soul shriveled the longer it went without that. Beau had yelled at him for it, saying she didn’t need anyone’s approval and that it was a waste of time. “I don’t think she liked the comparison. She didn’t talk much after that.”

“Fuck,” Fjord cursed. “How did we let it get this bad?”

“Beau is - as loud and as brash as she can pretend to be - Beau is very good at deflecting and making herself invisible,” Caleb murmured. “And we fell for it. All of us. We looked right through her and saw what she wanted us to see, and none of us looked deeper.” 

Jester was getting close to panicking over what might be happening to her best friend. “We have to go get her. Now!”

“We can’t,” Caduceus said, voice calm but regret clear. “I’m nearly out of spells, and so is Mr. Caleb. Yasha and Fjord are both a bit injured too. You were almost unconscious Jester.”

“That doesn’t matter! What if Shyressa kills her?” Leylas had told them the stories of the ancient vampire. “Beau will be - she’ll be one of  _ them _ .”

Fjord placed a gentle hand on her shoulder. “Caduceus is right Jessie. We’ll just all die if we try to get to her now. We have to hope that Beau has some plan up her sleeve. You know how smart she is. We’ll go as soon as we’ve rested.”

Jester had a sinking feeling that wouldn’t be soon enough.

* * *

Beau came to consciousness slowly, everything from the day before like a hazy dream. “Jessie?” she mumbled. She shook her head to clear it out, but that just made everything worse. It was like a bad hangover, only she didn’t remember drinking the night before.

“Perhaps I took too much from you for a first try,” a voice said from her right. “And second.” Beau glanced over and the memories all came rushing back. The Nein becoming overwhelmed by vampire spawn, slipping away, her offer to Shyressa. It wasn’t the first time she’d offered herself up, but this time she hadn’t given the Nein a chance to get her out of it. 

Expediency over all, really.

Shyressa chuckled. “Very true pet. Now, shall we get you up and moving? I anticipate we will be seeing your friends before you are quite recovered. But you’ll still help, won’t you?”

Beau didn’t want to fight her friends. She wanted them to leave her and not come back. But she’d given herself to Shyressa, and she would follow the terms of their arrangement. No matter how much it hurt. To ultimately keep them safe. 

“Good girl,” Shyressa praised, seeing the affirmative in Beau’s thoughts. She lifted Beau with no effort needed and settled her upright. “I can get you all situated now to protect me, though I do believe you will require some aid from myself if you are to be of any use today. You won’t mind if I take it all back once we’re done, do you?”

She had no idea what Shyressa was talking about, but Beau wasn’t sure she could lose much more blood in one go and stay conscious. The vampire hadn’t been kidding about taking her close to the brink.

Shyressa moved around behind Beau and laid her hair over one shoulder. “None of that,” she murmured in her ear. “After seventeen centuries, I know what I’m doing. I do not make mistakes, Beauregard.” An arm slipped in front of her shoulders to hold Beau tightly to her chest. 

Beau didn’t see it happen, but all of a sudden Shyressa’s wrist was bleeding and being held near her mouth. She realized what was going on and tried to squirm away, resisting the charm briefly in her horror. “No,” she muttered. “No I don’t want to - don’t. Please.”

She wasn’t a match for the vampire’s brute strength in her state though, and was prevented from escaping Shyressa’s grip. “None of that pet,” she chastised. “You want to be strong so that you can help me, do you not? This is the only way you’ll be of any use to me today. And you so want to be of use, Beauregard.”

She did. She did.

When the wrist approached again, Beau grimaced but didn’t move except to open her mouth in acceptance. 

Beau lost track of time. Her eyes slipped shut. Drinking blood wasn’t a  _ pleasant  _ experience but it definitely left her with a feeling of power. “There you go, Beauregard,” Shyressa practically cooed in her ear. “Your friends are on their way in my children tell me. Shall I allow them to see you like this? So willingly at my service already? Do you think that they would take you back even after just a night in my presence? That they would want you the way I do?”

The Nein had already shown that they didn’t. 

“Everything you’ve done for them - all the ways you saved them. You tortured yourself for them. And they could never bother to return the favor, could they? They didn’t even notice. What kind of family is that?”

Beau wasn’t sure.

“Exactly like the one you were born into pet. No family at all.” Shyressa carefully eased her wrist away from Beau when the throne room door crashed open.

The little blue Tiefling was first through, followed quickly by the others Shyressa had seen in Beau’s mind. Her warrior hadn’t noticed their arrival, eyes fixed on the wrist she’d just been drinking from. “We have company pet.”

* * *

Fjord summoned his sword and raised it at Shyressa. “Let her go,” he growled menacingly. 

Shyressa’s arm tightened across Beau’s chest as the wound on her other healed before their eyes. “That would be going against the terms of our deal,” she denied calmly. “And I always keep my end of bargains.”

“Not this one because we’re taking her,” Jester said as she glared at the vampire. 

“I’ve already given her the only thing she ever wished for, little one. Why would she feel the need to leave? Beauregard just wanted to be useful. To be appreciated. Everything you did not give her. Isn’t that right, pet?”

Finally in some way taking in the fact that her friends were in front of her, Beau nevertheless looked up at Shyressa, nodding silently. 

“Beau!”

Beau jerked and looked down at Jester. She was crying. Beau didn’t want her to cry - she just wanted them to leave so that they would be safe. To leave her. 

“If you want them to be safe, you are going to have to make them leave,” Shyressa murmured for Beau’s ears only. “Can you do that - if my children help you?”

The monk nodded and shuffled to her feet. Shyressa stayed on Leylas’ throne, observing with a sense of smug eagerness emanating from her. Eight of Shyressa’s spawn appeared as though from shadow, lining the room’s walls. Caduceus immediately sent out a panicked wave of divine energy at the undead, sending two of them running for the opposite end of the hall while Caleb engulfed another four in his wall of flames. Beau charged at Fjord, taking the paladin by surprise and landing a few hits on him, though he managed to pull himself together and recoup. “Beau,” he coughed out. “It’s us! Come on - charms don’t work on you, remember?”

“She has to choose that, and Beau is so very  _ tired  _ of making choices,” Shyressa goaded. “Aren’t you pet?”

Beau’s eyes were filled with pain and some regret, but she nodded nevertheless. 

Yasha had moved to intercept one of the spawn not afraid of Caduceus, while the last moved in on him and swiped Caduceus with its claws and took a bite, getting some of his blood and growing excited at the taste. It tried for more, but Caduceus ducked behind his shield. 

The other four spawn screeched as they were overwhelmed by flame, running straight at the group to escape. Two focused in on Jester, while Fjord slashed at one with Star Razor to keep it from biting him, and the last sought the source of the flames and attacked Caleb. 

Swarms of bats appeared out of nowhere amidst Shyressa’s laughter, swirling around Yasha, Fjord, and Jester - those Shyressa had singled out as those in the party most likely to pull Beau’s attention away from her. If she could keep them occupied, her hold on Beau would remain strong.

Caleb dropped the wall of fire when he saw it was no longer useful and instead sped up Yasha to the unnatural speeds he usually saved for Beau. Panicking a little bit, Jester called on the Traveler and sent out a wave of energy similar to Caduceus’. All the spawn except the one menacing Caduceus ran from the new source of fear. 

Yasha managed to finish off her vampire while Caleb picked off two of the fleeing spawn with a well placed fireball and Beau kept attacking Fjord. Her mind was a strange mixture of confliction and tranquility. She didn’t want to hurt her friends, but she knew if she could just get them to leave, then she could follow the terms of her deal with Shyressa and everyone would be safer. 

Maybe everything would stop hurting. And maybe she would stop hurting them. “I’m sorry,” she murmured as she knocked Fjord down briefly. He stubbornly got back to his feet, still avoiding damaging her at all as he focused on bringing down Shyressa’s children. With no foe to go up against, Yasha sprinted at Beau, grabbing her with solid arms and lifting her away from Fjord. Beau squirmed but couldn’t break free.

When her fourth child went down, Shyressa advanced her secondary plan. “Beauregard come back here please,” she ordered calmly. She had refrained from joining the fight, and would not do so unless Beau became incapacitated. She was quite enjoying watching, and what were a few spawn lost when she had dozens more? 

Beau wriggled, knocking the back of her head into Yasha’s nose. The barbarian cursed and dropped Beau and she scrambled back up the stairs of the dais to Shyressa. The rest of the Nein froze the moment Shyressa lay hands on Beau, terrified of what the ancient vampire would do if they continued fighting. 

“At least you are not entirely obtuse,” Shyressa mused as she gazed down at them all. She brought up a hand and tapped lightly on the side of Beau’s head. Familiar already with the silent command, Beau leaned her head to one side. “Good girl,” Shyressa murmured before quickly sinking her teeth into Beau’s skin.

“No!” 

Shyressa wasn’t certain who shouted, but she glanced up in case anyone was thinking about retaliating. Beau didn’t even twitch as she retreated from her neck. Observing the Nein, it appeared that little Jester had been the one to scream. She was several steps closer than she had been when Shyressa bent her head. “The six of you will leave this city,” she commanded imperiously. “Beauregard’s and my deal only extended for one hour. I will graciously allow you more time today, but know this: if you choose to continue this fray or if I do not have confirmation of your departure from this city within the next hour, I  _ will  _ drain Beauregard until the only option for her revival is as one of my children. Am I understood?”

The tall barbarian growled, and Jester seemed like she was thinking of casting something. As a final warning, Shyressa leaned down once more and bit down more harshly into Beau’s neck than she had done in the times before, causing Beau to whine and shift at the pain, though she didn’t try to escape.

“We’ll leave,” the orc-ish man swore. Shyressa smirked and lifted her head. Such noble, self-sacrificing fools, all of them. “But we  _ will  _ be back, and we’ll take Beau over your smoldering body,” he threatened.

Shyressa grinned a red smeared grin, amused by their obstinacy. “I should like to see if you would believe you could do so before I killed Beauregard. Know that I look forward to the attempt Fjord Stone.” The Nein slowly backed out of the throne room with Shyressa’s remaining spawn advancing on them slowly, hissing, making sure they truly left that time. “Now,” Shyressa murmured once they were alone again. “I believe I said I would be claiming my blood back pet.”

Ignoring the stabbing in her heart at watching the Nein leave without her, Beau tilted her head one more time.

* * *

By the time they’d reached the city gates, Fjord was practically having to push Jester along to keep her from going right back to the palace. Caduceus was doing the same with a snarling Yasha, albeit much more politely and without actually touching her. 

“We can’t leave her!” Jester pleaded with Fjord. “You saw what that bitch was doing to Beau we can’t just leave!”

“We don’t have a choice, Jessie,” Fjord replied, sounding heartbroken. “We were all going to die in there. That wasn’t even ten of her cronies and we could barely fend them off without being overwhelmed; she had dozens more just outside the palace. Add in Beau? And Shyressa didn’t even join the fight.”

Caleb piped up from the back. “We may have another chance. Shyressa said that she would drain Beauregard -” Jester made a strangled noise but Caleb powered through, “- if we did not stop attacking. That would imply she does not have intentions of turning Beauregard  _ yet _ . We might have - some time.”

“How do we fight a hundred vampires at once?” Nott asked. “I shoot one crossbow bolt at a time.”

“We are going to need help,” Caleb said. “And you two,” he nodded at Jester and Caduceus. “I’ve seen clerics pull out some pretty powerful spells. Your daylight might not be strong enough - do you have anything that could mimic actual sunlight?”

Caduceus thought about it and shrugged. “Not right now. I could ask the Wildmother though,” he said agreeably. “She does oversee nature. I’m sure she has something up her sleeve.”

“I can ask the Traveler too,” Jester sniffed. “I want to burn them all until they give us back Beau.”

Everyone had been thinking it, but hadn’t expected Jester to be the one to voice the violent thought. “We’ll get her back, Jes,” Fjord promised. “And this time we’ll make sure she knows just how important she is to us.”

“How much we love her?” Jester asked.

“How much we love her.”

* * *

Days blurred together for Beau - not helped by the constant dark of night in Rosohna at all. Shyressa made good on her promise, careful to never take too much from her but often leaving Beau at the brink of unconsciousness as she fed. In between, she used her words to sink her hooks further into the monk, promising that when she did finally turn Beau, they would be the family she’d craved. 

Beau could feel the charm work on her, the instinct to clear her mind of it, but Shyressa’s voice always distracted her away from the thought. Or her teeth did. 

Shyressa had also offered up her own blood on occasion, the alternation between taking and giving leaving Beau in a whirlwind of simultaneous power and exhaustion. She was faster, stronger, and could feel herself bending to Shyressa’s whim. The vampire heaped praise on her, telling Beau of what they would accomplish once she had truly joined her. Beau was still pretty sure she didn’t want to be a vampire - had still only made the deal with Shyressa at all to keep her friends safe, but it was hard to ignore the little voice that said it would be easier if she just accepted it. 

It would be easier.

Beau had never chosen easy paths. Had never let herself fully submit to her father’s regime - to become the docile, meek daughter he would accept in the absence of a son. Didn’t become the studious monk the monastery wanted. Didn’t isolate herself the way Dairon wanted. And the Nein...Beau had tried to be so many different things, never quite sure what exactly they wanted from her. Some wanted a friend, a battle partner, a study buddy, a fellow caretaker of the rest. So many people Beau had tried to be - and failed at all of them. 

Maybe - for once - the easy path was the right one.

“My children tell me your friends are within the city again,” Shyressa told her one morning as Beau fed. “They are a tenacious lot, I commend them for that. However. I did warn them.” She took her wrist away from Beau and quickly sank her teeth into Beau’s neck and then her wrist, drinking shallowly before letting them go and allowing her blood to drip to the floor. “Rest until they get here, pet. And don’t give away the game,” Shyressa said with a smirk before disappearing into a cloud of mist. Beau blinked, trying to watch, but quickly lost track of her and settled back on the ground with her eyes closed. She was exhausted.

Why had they come back? What was driving them? It couldn’t be her. It had to just be a task left unfinished. They didn’t like leaving things undone. Like when Yasha had been taken by Obann and they kept failing to kill him and get her back. That was all it was, right? Well, that and the Nein missed having Yasha around, and the barbarian killing for a devil was not an awesome idea. 

But it wasn’t Beau. Couldn’t be. She’d abandoned them, fought them, forced them to leave her behind. Had taken away their choice in the matter just like choices had always been taken from her. Why would they be here?

“Don’t concern yourself with that, Beauregard,” Shyressa’s voice soothed, the vampire still nowhere to be seen. “You belong with me now.”

Even with those words, Beau still found herself wondering. 

Bright, white light shone through the cracks in the entryway doors seconds before they opened with a thundering crash, Yasha backlit by blazing light coming from both Caduceus and Jester. When Jester saw Beau was on the dais alone, she wasted no time sprinting up the steps to get to her side. “Beau!” She pressed a hand to the bleeding marks on Beau’s neck and wrist. Huh, she’d forgotten about those. Sighing in relief when she felt warmth still emanating from Beau’s skin, Jester leaned their heads together. “Can you stand? We have to go.”

“Go?” What did she mean ‘we’?

“Yeah, come on Beau. Before she comes back. Where is she?”

Beau looked around, but didn’t see Shyressa anywhere. She shrugged noncommittally, not too concerned. Shyressa would come back for her. 

Wait.

Had the Nein come back for her?

“What are you doing here? I told you to leave.”

Jester shook her head. “We weren’t going to leave you behind don’t be ridiculous Beau. Even if everyone else wanted to - which they  _ didn’t _ by the way - you’re my - you’re my  _ best  _ friend, Beau. I’m not ever going anywhere without you.”

“Touching,” Shyressa’s snide voice came from nowhere, “but ultimately pointless. Beauregard belongs with me, isn’t that right pet?

She had made a deal. Shyressa wanted her. But Jester - she wanted her too? The Nein came back for her. 

A breath of wind on the back of her neck and the prick of teeth jolted Beau nearly upright. Shyressa gripped her by the throat and drew her to her feet. “If you want them to survive, take care of this,” the vampire hissed, beginning to lose her temper with Beau’s faltering will. “Do what you promised, pet, or all of you will suffer consequences. Starting with little Jester.” She paused for a moment. “In fact, take care of her first. I do so love a little lovers’ quarrel.” Beau straightened, dread coursing through her. Nothing could happen to Jester. She’d  _ make _ her listen.

“Lovers?” Jester barely had time to ask before Beau was knocking her nearly off the dais. That seemed to wake up the rest of the Nein, who had been watching silently. Jester recovered quickly and murmured the prayer Caduceus had learned from the Wildmother. Sunlight again streamed out around them, focusing on several of Shyressa’s children that had formed up from mist on the side of the room. At the other end of the hall, Caduceus had the same light shower on the opposite side where more spawn were congregated. The vampires all shrieked in agony the moment the light of dawn touched them, their skin sizzling and smoking as they scrambled to escape. Some took up post at the bottom of the staircase leading to the dais and waited for any interlopers, while the rest closed in on the Nein.

Yasha and Fjord were slicing through them side by side, bringing the first down much more quickly than they had managed the last time. Caleb chucked a fireball at the ones waiting by the stairs, setting them even more alight.

Beau didn’t want to hurt Jester. That was the last thing she wanted. Everything she had done - sacrificed - had been to keep from hurting the others, and particularly Jester. With her joyful heart that couldn’t take any more loss. Shyressa had told her to make them leave.  _ Why  _ had she said lovers? Now Jester was looking at her with confused eyes, all the puzzle pieces in reach but not quite put together yet. “Beau,” she murmured. “Beau talk to me. What did she mean?”

“Do it, pet.” Beau swung at Jester but purposefully pulled up as her friend jerked backward. Her second she sent wide. Shyressa hissed in her ear angrily. “Do as you were told Beauregard, or I’ll kill her myself.”

Panicked, Beau punched Jester solidly in the chest, nearly knocking the breath from her.

“Beau,” she coughed. “You don’t have to be scared of her. Come home. We want you to come home.”

“You  _ are  _ home, pet. With me, where you belong. Remember? Don’t listen to frightened lies,” Shyressa coaxed. “They didn’t want you.”

Behind them, the vampire spawn were dropping rapidly under the combined sunlight from Caduceus and Jester and vicious attacks from the rest of the Nein. They wouldn’t be overwhelmed again. Only a couple vampires were still standing. At Shyressa’s hiss, Beau attacked Jester again, still trying to pull her punches so they wouldn’t hit as hard.

“I grow tired of your sudden incompetence Beauregard.” A circle of black suddenly covered a wide swath of the throne room and ended mere inches from Beau’s feet. Inky tendrils reached up from the ground and latched on to the remainder of those fighting, even Shyressa’s children, and seemed to suck energy from all of them. One of the spawn went down and the Nein seemed a bit worse for wear. Jester was wincing and holding her chest in front of Beau.

Beau shook her head, torn between obeying Shyressa and keeping Jester standing. She couldn’t hurt Jester. Not anymore. She froze, wracked with indecision.

“What use are you to me if you do not obey?” Shyressa snarled. The mercy she had shown the first time was no longer present as she appeared at the other end of the dais, a coil of black reaching out from her to wrap around Beau’s neck. Beau jerked and choked as a dark glow siphoned from her to Shyressa even as verdant green blasts pelted the vampire. The leash-like tendril remained in place, and Beau’s breathing was similarly labored. “Come here Beauregard.”

“Beau!” All of the Nein focused on the now visible vampire, sending everything they had to try and separate the two. Caduceus sent out a wave of healing that caught Beau as well. 

Why were they wasting time on her? 

Jester had grabbed her hand even as she focused on bringing her light to burn Shyressa. It had been a while since Beau had let herself touch Jester - always afraid of taking advantage of her best friend because of the feelings she was hiding. Jester took a second to look into Beau’s conflicted eyes and brought her other hand up to the monk’s cheek. “You’re forgiven,” she murmured. “If that’s what you need, I forgive you. I love you. And I’m sorry I didn’t see. That none of us saw how much you were hurting and needed us. For how much  _ we  _ hurt you. Give us one more chance, Beau please?”

“ _ Beauregard _ . Come. Here.” Beau stumbled back a step as the cord of black yanked on her neck. Shyressa was ignoring the furious Aasimar right next to her, singularly focused on Beau as she continued to draw her in. “You disappoint me, pet. I will give you one last chance. Kill the Tiefling.”

It was like she’d jumped into cold water as clarity finally rushed over Beau. Jester begging for one more chance. Shyressa warning of just one chance left. She wouldn’t kill Jester. Shyressa would have to kill her first.

“That can be arranged, pet.”

Beau looked down at the sharpened wooden stake type weapon Jester had surreptitiously placed in her hand. She knew it wouldn’t kill a vampire, but it was as good as anything for hurting like a bitch. Quick as only monks could be, Beau slammed the piece of wood into Shyressa’s chest. The vampire screeched in pain and blasted a reactionary wave of arcane force into Beau, sending her flying off the dais and forty feet down to the tiled floor below. She slammed into it, so occupied with trying to come to terms with what she’d just done that she forgot to slow her fall. 

The battle ended not long after without Beau seeing it. She only knew it was over when Jester was suddenly kneeling beside her as she struggled to sit up. “No, no stay down,” she said quickly, pushing Beau gently back to lay flat on the floor again. 

“I’m fine,” Beau muttered.

“No matter how good you are at hiding everything you feel, even you can’t hide the bone sticking out of your fucking arm,” Jester retorted. 

Beau glanced down and saw that indeed there was part of her bone piercing through her skin. “Oh.” Fjord looked a little greener than usual at the sight. When he tried to make eye contact with her, Beau quickly shifted her gaze back to the floor. “You shouldn’t,” she said. “I don’t -”

“Don’t what?” Jester snapped. “Deserve it? That’s such  _ bullshit _ , Beau. I am so mad at you, you know that?”

“I didn’t want to hurt you.” Beau shrank in on herself. This was exactly what she had been hoping to avoid. The blowout that would end with the Nein getting rid of her.

“Just yourself,” Caleb interjected.

Jester carefully set Beau’s arm before healing it with a quick spell. “We love you, Beau, and we want you with us. We  _ always  _ wanted you with us.”

“Everything since Kamordah, that’s on us,” Fjord stepped in as a calm voice. “For not realizing what meeting your father would do to you - not seeing what was going on, even that one time we spoke. We’ll do better - if you give us another chance. And stop running off and offering to sacrifice yourself to every evil woman we come across,” he tried to joke. Nott smacked him in the knee.

“Stay with us,” Jester murmured, wrapping Beau in a tight hug. “I need you with me. I  _ want _ you with me. What will make you believe that?”

Beau tried to say something. She did. But instead she ended up burying her face in Jester’s dress so that the rest of the Nein wouldn’t be able to see the tears she couldn’t hold back. “I’m sorry,” she mumbled. “I’m so fucking sorry I didn’t mean to fuck it up. I just wanted it to stop.”

“What Beau?” Jester asked quietly, holding her tighter. 

“I tried - I tried to fit. I wanted to. But I just keep fucking messing up around you guys and you saw my  _ dad  _ and what I put him through and the monastery and I’m just doing the same to you and I had to leave before I made it worse but I  _ couldn’t _ .”

A third arm wrapped around Beau’s shoulders, and she looked up into Caleb’s eyes. “The only thing you have done - is make us  _ better _ . We are better for having known you Beau. Never doubt that.”

“Yeah. Your dad was a shithead Beau,” Jester protested. “He was a  _ dick _ to you. Don’t think that we believed  _ anything _ he said about you around us because he’s wrong. You’re amazing, and it’s his loss for not seeing that. And - I’m going to keep telling you that until you believe it this time okay?”

* * *

After some debate on whether Beau was strong enough to walk on her own, it was eventually decided that she was allowed to if Yasha or Jester helped her. She managed under her own power until the threshold of the Xhorhaus, where Jester had to get an arm under her quick when she faltered and lead her up the stairs to their room. She quickly deposited her in her own bed and crawled in after to cuddle close. “I really missed you,” she muttered. “Don’t scare me like that again okay?”

“I’m sorry.”

“No more apologizing either. We’re all of us really sorry and we’ll all do better from now on. Right?”

Beau nodded. She let herself enjoy the closeness with Jester she’d been denying herself for the weeks since she’d figured out how in love with her best friend she was, hoping Jester wouldn’t remember -

“Beau? What did Shyressa mean?”

\- that.

“Mean about what?”

“The whole ‘lovers’ thing when she tried to get you to kill me.” Beau flinched hard at the reminder, but Jester only held her closer. “You’re okay Beau. You didn’t hurt me.”

When they had both settled back in, the silence stretched in front of them. Beau knew Jester was waiting for an answer and also that she wouldn’t push if Beau refused. She could be a coward about it, claim she had no idea, but Beau was getting tired of being afraid all the time. Maybe she could try to be brave. “Shyressa could read my thoughts,” she murmured eventually. “She knew everything the moment I was thinking it. And she - she saw how - how in love with you I am. She used it against me - promised she would let you and everyone else live if I obeyed. So I let her use me however she wanted. But she - she hurt you anyway. And ordered me to kill you. I’m so sorry I hit you Jester, gods.”

Jester didn’t let Beau move away from her when she tried. “Stop trying to escape,” she muttered, pressing a kiss to Beau’s cheek. “And stop thinking I’m going to hate you. Being in love is so fucking cool Beau, and it shouldn’t ever make you feel bad. I - I don’t know if I’m in love with you too, but I do know that I absolutely love you so much, and if you give me some time, I’d like to figure it out. Could you do that?”

That was more hope than Beau had ever dared to dream of. “O-Of course. Yeah, totally. Um -”

Jester’s adorable giggle rang through the night air as Beau spluttered. “You’re cute. I missed you. And even if I’m not in love with you, I still want my best friend. Is that okay?”

“Yeah. Yeah, for sure. You were my best friend first, Jessie. You always will be. I love you.”

“I love you too. I missed that,” Jester said, cuddling in further and sounding sleepy now that things had at least been partially worked out. “Fjord called me Jessie while you were gone and it didn’t sound right. I only like it from you.”

Beau realized just how exhausted she was as well, her eyes fluttering towards closing. “I’ll keep calling you it then,” she promised right before she let herself fall asleep.


End file.
